How is it that so many of you seem to learned to live a life without regrets? I have so many regrets that I couldn't possibly list them all. Try as I have to let them go, they just hang on to my heart like a bulldog with a bone and won't let go. I have done everything I have been told. Thrown them on the altar, used positive affirmations, forgiven myself.... Nope. Nothing works.
My worst and most painful regrets are those that involve my children. And I have at least one for each child. (In case you are wondering, 6 children..6 regrets...). With some, I have more than one. They make me so sad whenever I remember them. These memories feel like they have been spiked with poison; they make me sick whenever they surface.
Life has slowed down for me as my children have grown and four have even left home. I used to wish my life away but now, with the slowness of pace comes the time and space to think; to remember.
My children have been a gift to me from God; an eternal gift that has kept on giving (thanking God right now) but at their most vulnerable young ages, I was bound with selfishness. I could not see past the tip of my nose. I was plagued with anxiety and depression. I was exhausted, lonely and desperate. Sleep deprived and in need of help, my darling babies most essential needs were really the only needs met. They were fed, clean and loved. They were cuddled and kissed and told they were loved but as they got older they were time deprived. I was too busy, too tired and too worried about having a perfect home. I (painfully) remember my children asking me to play with them and I nearly always found an excuse not to. Reading books to them was good, it suited me but I never seemed to know how to get down on my knees and play. Don't misunderstand me, there were times that I actually did get down and play but not many times, and not for long. I still feel so guilty, I wish I could turn back the clock and redo that time all over again with what I have learnt.
Well, we all know we can't do that so what can we do? We can face the truth and use it as a step ladder to help us reach new heights; to become better women and to make the most of the time we have left. Where it is still possible we can make positive changes. We cannot change our past but we can do everything in our power to change our future.
We can say sorry. I can't stress this enough. Making our wrongs right is powerful and helps to bring healing. My children have heard me apologise many times; sincerely and genuinely apologise.
I am still searching for my life of freedom with no regrets but in the meantime, I plan to keep learning from them.
Lots of love,