This week I had a panic attack. It was then followed by a mental breakdown the next day. Everything had been going so well for so long. But this year I have retreated into my safe shell of denial (detachment) where I can be numb to those things that cause so much pain and fear.
I had come so far in my life. Finally starting therapy at the age of 45 and a year later starting antidepressants; my soul began to calm and my behaviours and feelings started to make sense.
If only I had started therapy in my early twenties, things may never have gotten so bad. But I didn't, and they did.
A very difficult childhood altered the state of my mind. I was trained to soldier on no matter how I felt. I became an expert in 'coping'. I could keep on going everyday no matter how dark I felt inside.
At the age of 25, I met the only One who has never, and could never let me down. I have done everything I have been told to do to get healed from this nightmare. I have prayed a thousand times, cried endlessly, begging God to please take this pain and make me 'normal'. I have been prayed for, studied the Bible, quoted the scriptures, believed in faith and so on and so on. God has eased the pain, He has held me while I cried, He has sent encouragers and loved me through it all.
Yet here I am. Still with so much confusion and grief.
Why hasn't he healed me? Why am I still suffering so?
The answer is I don't know and maybe I never will. Maybe due to the depth of damage, I need more therapy to understand before He heals me. (The issues of damage are so complex and have been there for so long that my psychologist told me it is a miracle I am still alive).
There are so many others like me, in the church, that struggle with long term illness. Whether it be mental or physical, there are probably millions of Christians who have also done everything they know to receive their healing. The pressure is awful when we don't receive that healing. The suggestions that we haven't prayed enough, haven't applied our faith, have sin that has not been dealt with. This all brings discouragement too.
The Truth is that only God knows. He is a kind, loving and giving God. His mercy knows no end.
I, for one, will never let go. I have tripped and ended on my face many times. I am climbing out of a deep gully right now; with hesitation I am getting up again because I know His love, His Grace and His hope.
I also know there is nothing more I can do to receive my healing but trust in Him. If I never do receive that healing then just having Him holding onto my hand will be enough.
I love Him.